Monday, 4 May 2009

هربجي كرد وعرب

كباب سليمانية


كما اجتاح الانكليز العالم بلغتهم يبدو لي ان الاكراد سيجتاحون العالم بكبابهم. بالطبع انا اتذكر جيدا كيف كنا نهرع بشوق الى مطعم كباب سليمانية في الحيدرخانة مساء كل يوم خميس. و لكنني لم اتصور قط عندئذ ان تصبح له هذه المكانة العالمية. فحيثما اسافر الآن في اوربا اجد امامي مطعما لكباب سليمانية. حتى قيل انه عندما سعى القوميون الكرد لإقامة دولة كردية مستقلة تقدموا بطلبهم للأمم المتحدة و ضمنوه دستور الدولة الجديدة و علمها. و كان علمها يقوم على خلفية خضراء يتوسطها قرص ابيض يضم شريطا جوزي اللون. سألوهم ماذ يرمز كل ذلك، فقالوا الأخضر يمثل تربة كردستان، و الابيض يمثل لبن اربيل و الشريط الجوزي يمثل كباب سليمانية.
سألوا يوما احد الفقهاء عن السعادة في الاسلام. قالوا من هو الرجل السعيد في نظرك؟ فقال انه الرجل الذي يتزوج امرأة كردية و يعيش على كباب سليمانية و لا يرى بعينيه المنطقة العربية.
طالما شغلني امر هذا الكباب. ما هو سر هذه النكهة اللذيذة في كباب سليمانية؟ فلم احصل على اي جواب. و لكن احد الزملاء العارفين قال لي ان الأكراد يحتفظون بهذا السر و لا يدلون به لأحد. عندهم وصفة مكتوبة بكامل التعليمات على جلد صخلة كردية محفوظة في احد كهوف جبل ازمر تحرسها فصيلة من مقاتلي البيش مركة الاشداء. فهذا الكباب يمثل الثروة المستقبلية لكردستان.
تجد مطاعم كباب سليمانية الآن في شتى زوايا شارع اجوير رود بلندن ، هناك مطعم السلياني قرب ماربل آرج ، و كبابخانة سرجنار شمالا ، وفي مقابلها مطعم كباب منقلة ازمر و سواها من المطاعم و الجايخانات و الكبابخانات الكردية التي عمت هذه المنطقة من قلب العاصمة البريطانية التي اصبحت تسمى الآن بعربلاند لكثرة من فيها من السكان العرب. وهذا شيء طريف، فهذه المطاعم الكردية تعيش في الواقع على المواطنين العرب و ليس الكرد. يتسائل الانسان لماذا يفضل العرب الأكل في مطاعم كردية بدلا من المطاعم العربية؟ ربما لجودة كبابها ، ربما لأنها المطاعم الوحيدة التي تقدم اكلة " الباجة" و القوزي العراقية، ربما لحسن لبنها الشنينة. لا ادري. و لكنني شخصيا افضلها على بقية المطاعم العربية لصدقها في التعامل مع زبائنها. الطباخ الكردي لا يغش في طبخه و نظافته و النادل الكردي لا يخدعك في حسابه و فاتورته. فأنا عندما اتعشى في كبابخانة سرجنار لا ادقق في الفاتورة او اراجع حسابها كما افعل في المطاعم اللبنانية لأنني اعرف ان الكردي لا يخدع الناس.
و هذا جزء جميل من الشخصية الكردية. وجدتها دائما تتميز بالصدق و الأمانة و مخافة الله. إنهم يأخذون الدين مأخذا جديا و ليس كما نأخذه نحن العرب. وهذا هو سر كل هذه النكات العنصرية ضد الكرد. فنحن معتادون على الكذب و المخادعة و نعتبرها شطارة. نفعل ذلك في سياستنا و برامجنا الحزبية ، في تعاملنا مع نسائنا و حتى في عباداتنا وطائفيتنا. و عندما نرى المواطن الكردي يتصرف بصدق نعتبره ساذجا و جاهلا و نضحك عليه كبهلول اهبل.
الصدق و الأمانة هو سر نجاح هذه المطاعم الكردية و انتشارها. لن اعجب بعد قليل ان اراها تحل محل المطاعم اللبنانية و تجتاحها في تصدرها لقوائم الأكل الشرق اوسطي الذي اصبح جزء اساسيا من حياة المجتمع الاوربي، شمالا جنوبا، شرقا و غربا. ربما لن يؤخرها عن شعبية المطاعم اللبنانية غير امتناعها عن تقديم النبيذ و المشروبات الكحولية.
تحمس كردي لقوميته الكردية فرسم خارطة لانتشار الأكراد في العالم. صبغ شمال العراق كله باللون الأخضر. أنهم الكرد في العراق. فعل مثل ذلك لغرب ايران ، ثم جنوب تركيا و شرق سوريا و جنوب اذربيجان. رقعة صغيرة خضراء اخرى في ارمينيا. رقعة اصغر منها لمخيم اللاجئين الكرد في السويد. نظر احد المشاهدين فلاحظ ايضا نقطة خضراء صغيرة في فنلاندا. فسأل صاحب الخريطة، كاكا حما شنو هذا؟ ماكو كرد في فنلاندا! فأجابه قائلا: " شلون ماكو؟ نسيت كبابخانة صديقنا كاكا حسن في هلسنكي؟!"
كلما انظر لهذه المطاعم الكردية في لندن و اراها مزدحمة بالزبائن العرب ، بالدشاديش و الاشماغ و النساء المحجبات و المقنعات ، المس هذه الحقيقة، الكرد لا يستطيعون ان يعيشوا بدون اخوانهم العرب و العرب لا يستطيعون ان يستغنوا عن كباب سليمانية.

ايام في الأهوار

فانوس المدينة

من المشاهد التي لفتت نظري و خلدت في ذاكرتي خلال زيارتي لقلعة صالح في جنوب العراق في الخمسينات، مشهد كشف لي عن العلاقة الوطيدة بين شيخ العشيرة و افراد عشيرته.
لم يكن هناك اي مغنين محترفين في الحفلة التي دعتنا اليها الشيخة ساعة. و انما كانت هناك شلة من افراد العشيرة ممن وهبهم الله صوتا رخيما و اذنا موسيقية.راحوا يغنون و يرتجلون الاغنيات واحدا بعد الآخر ، و على هواهم. كانت كلها اغاني حزينة. لكن احد المغنين تمادى في الحزن حتى تحولت الاغنية عنده الى رثاء و عزاء . ما انفك الا و تفجر في بكاء مرير.
انهالوا عليه بالضرب و الركل و رموا به خارج المجلس. " يا ابن الكلب تقعد تنحب على شيخ محسن و تقلب الفرح عزا قدام القيمقام؟ روح ارجع لأهلك." تقدم السركال ليعتذر لأخي احسان ، القائمقام ، بأن ذلك المغني كان ينتمي الى عشيرة اخرى فقدت شيخها محسن قبل سنوات. و اهاجت ذكراه مشاعر المغني بدون سبب فانفجر باكيا.
على الطرف الآخر من منطقة الاهوار، وقعت ناحية المدينة، التي تسلم اخي احسان ادارتها. لم يكن في مدينة المدينة اي كهرباء، او ماء نقي او إضاءة غير فانوس نفطي كانوا يعلقونه امام بيت مدير الناحية كرمز لهيبة الحكومة.عاد إحسان ذات ليلة فوجد الفانوس مطفأ فاستشاط غضبا و تصور ان انقلابا قد حصل في البلاد، فنادى على كاتب الناحية و معلم المدرسة و عريف الشرطة و البوسطجي. فخرجوا بدشداشاتهم تاركين وراءهم زوجاتهم يبتهلن الى الله تعالى ان تمر الازمة بسلام و لا يسجن مدير الناحية كل ازواجهن و يتركهن فريسة للرايح و الجاي. بادرهم غاضبا: " ليش الفانوس مطفي اليوم؟ الحكومة ماتت؟"
اجابه كاتب الناحية بإضطراب:" سيدي مدير الناحية السابق الاستاذ فاضل، امر بأن نقتصد بالنفط و ما نشعل الفانوس لما يكون اكو قمر قوي بالسما." امر احسان بإلغاء الأمر السابق و ان يستبدل به امر جديد. . "من الآن و صاعدا، اكو قمر ماكو قمر بالسما، الفانوس لازم يشتعل." انا واثق الآن ، عندما سيكتبون تاريخ العراق الحديث سيذكرون هذه المأثرة لأخي فيقولون انه في عهد احسان القشطيني جرت اصلاحات مهمة في ناحية المدينة كان منها ايقاد فانوس المدينة في الليالي المقمرة ايضا بالإضافة لليالي المظلمة. رويت ذلك لوالدتي رحمه الله بما قام به ابنها في المدينة فقالت في حسرة و اسى: " معلوم. اخوك إحسان الله خالقة على التبذير و الصرف. اذا كان يخلي الراديوبشتغل الليل كله وهو نايم يشوخر، ليش ما يشعل الفانوس و اكو قمر نشيط بالسما!"
بيد ان الإصلاح الاكبر الذي قام به احسان في ناحية المدينة كان في تغيير، الزورق التقليدي المعروف بالمشحوف بالزورق الآلي الماطور.
كانت المدينة تقع في وسط الاهوار و لا ترتبط بأي طريق بري للسيارات او الجمال او الحمير. اتصالها الوحيد بالعالم الخارجي كان يتم مائيا بالمشاحيف.
و يظهر ان احسان اعتبر جلوس المدير في مشحوف عملا مخلا بكرامته و هيبة الدولة، فاستطاع ان يقنع متصرفية البصرة بشراء ماطور للمدينة. و اصبح هذا عجبة من عجائب الزمان و منظرا يستأسر بالألباب. ما ان سمع صوت المحرك قادما من بعيد ... طط...طط...طط حتى خرجت فتيات المدينة و اطفالها وشيوخها للتفرج عليه يشق عباب مياه الهور بقوة الخالق. و لم يكن الجاموس اقل استجابة للتحديث و العصرنة. ما ان سمعت بمجيء الماطور حتى اسرعت سباحة نحو مجراه للتفرج عليه. وقد عجز عريف الشرطة عن تعليم الجاموس قواعد المرور فكانت تتكأكأ برؤوسها و قرونها الضخمة امام الماطور فتحول دون تقدمه، مما اضطر الشرطة الى الاستنجاد ببقية افراد الحكومة، البوسطجي و الحارس و المضمد الصحي و معلم المدرسة. كانوا يقفون بعصا طويلة ليدفعوا الجاموس بعيدا عن ماطور مدير الناحية. بيد ان الاختلاف بين سرعة الماطور و سرعة الجاموس ادى الى كثير من الحوادث المؤسفة بحيث ان شرطة المدينة تعتزالآن بتسجيل الحادثة الوحيدة من نوعها في العالم وهي حادثة اصطدام بين جاموسة و ماطور ابو اللولة.
أن نقتصد بالنفط و ما نشعل الفانوس لما يكون اكو قمر قوي بالسما. ال

Short Story

Talking of Organs.


When Um Ghafur, or Ghafur's mum, wife of Maitre Saad Kadir (Abu Ghafur or Ghafur's dad, presumably at least) went with her inseparable butch companion, Ms Alia Abdul Wahid, school mistress at the Bardudia Primary School for Girls at the Toub district, in the direction of the Midan bazaar, they passed by the sprawling Defence Coffee House. It was so called not for any part it had ever played in defence of the country or indeed in anything, but simply because it happened to be situated at Baghdad's main thoroughfare, the notable Rashid Street, just opposite the Ministry of Defence, which made it a natural haunt for Army officers playing backgammon all day long. The café was, as usual, full of customers, all of the male sex, whiling away the time by playing games or chatting and shouting. As the two ladies passed by, Um Ghafur could no longer resist this irksome question which had bothered her for a good many years. She turned to her companion, the school teacher, Alia, and asked her:

'Tell me, dear - these men sitting in this smoky café day and night talking - what do they talk about all this time?'

'Why, darling, what do you think they talk about? They have nothing to talk about other than your capital (مالك )and my capital ((مالي.'

What this respectable primary school teacher meant in her local Iraqi dialect by 'capital' was the sexual organ, or what is euphemistically put in the Holy Koran as the 'farg' or the cleavage. It was a very appropriate and clever expression, for a woman's sexual organ in that part of the globe is indeed her only real asset and capital in this world. Well used, it can raise the status of the most wretched street pedlar or orange seller to the rank of a minister or a prominent lady rolling in riches. Stupidly used and abused, it would only lead her to the dagger or bullet of the honour cleanser, be that her father, brother, husband or any kinsman, however near or far. She was right in what was usually talked about in the café, but at that point in time she was wrong, for the group of middle- aged men sitting around the table facing the ramshackle pavement outside, and who attracted her attention and inspired the comment, were not discussing her 'capital' or her friend's 'capital' but rather their own 'capital'.

They met daily at this café and took up their positions, always at this corner to watch more closely any female creature passing by and make their sound comments. Abu Lutfi, the former clerk at the Passport Office who was sacked for failing to share his bribes with his boss, did not, however, attend this regular gathering for two days. His friends were worried. He might have been arrested and sent to the Aby Gharib's concentration camp, they thought, or perhaps shot dead outside his house in one of those endless 'acts of God'. God became very busy with these acts in this period of the Revolution.

'Where have you been, Abu Lutfi? You made us very worried about you. We thought of calling on you to enquire, but in the end we told ourselves- better not. You know how things are. Still, tell us. We hope all is well.'

'Oh, yes. All is well, thanks be to Allah. Nothing wrong at all. I felt as if I was catching the flu or something and decided to stay in bed until I was alright. But I was wrong. There was nothing the matter with me. No flu, cold or anything.'

'Strange! How on earth did you think you were going to get influenza? Do you have a radar monitoring the approach of germs?

'Oh, yes indeed. I have such a radar - a foolproof radar. It is my penis, pardon the expression. Like most men, I am used to waking up just before dawn. I get my sleep interrupted by my capital. I find it erect and strong like steel, eager for action. It remains so for one or two hours, depriving me totally from sleep until it gets fed up, gives up hope and shrinks and goes back to sleep. With that, I resume my own sleeping peacefully.'

'That is right, my dear Abu Lutfi. All men have the same problem. Sometimes the penis refuses to relax and goes back to sleep until the unhappy man is forced to grab his poor woman, sleeping soundly as she might be by his side, and give her one. This is what is called the dawn intercourse. It is a good one. The best. Our divines say that the dawn intercourse is blessed by the Almighty. The offspring would be strong and healthy. There is also more fun and enjoyment in it, because it has God's own blessings on it for as soon as the work is done, the man gets up, does the ablutions and makes his dawn prayer. At least that is how it used to be. But people nowadays think of nothing other than the fuck and forget all about God.'

Having heard these wise observations from Major General Hamid al-Dabshuli, twice decorated with the Rafidain Medal for Valour, Abu Lutfi resumed his narrative.

'You are right, General. So, a couple of days passed without me waking up at night at all. My capital made no attempt to arouse me. It never swelled or got any erection. I knew I was in for some trouble - some virus, some illness.'

Here, the retired civil servant was once more interrupted by Major General al-Dabshuli, who had developed a totally different means of diagnosis. 'Yes, what you say may be quite correct for you, my dear friend, but I personally can always recognise the imminent attack of a cold from my shoulders. As soon as I feel a chill in my shoulders at the back, I know I am going to have a cold. I immediately get out my woollen jumpers and keep myself warm. Like all Iraqis bent on contradicting each other, Maitre Abdul Hussain Mutlaq hastened to put a different point of view. 'No, no, no, not the shoulders. It is the legs. When you feel your legs aching, be one hundred per cent sure that you are going to get influenza. Look to your legs. This is what the old proverb says: "Fever comes from your feet". This is what I always say. Keep your feet warm and your head cool.'
'My experiences tell me,' Ali Nufal, a wheat merchant from Basrah, interposed, 'that it is not the shoulders or the legs which signal the approach of a nasty cold, but the throat. As soon as you feel a tickle there, some sore spot, take a couple of aspirins and go to bed immediately. Keep yourself warm and drink lots of hot drinks.'

The discussion went on among this happy group of old friends about sickness and health, what symptoms, what remedies, how best to recognise diabetes, ulcers, blood pressure, heart trouble, etc. Someone referred to interrupted sleep, another thought it was the other way around i.e. excessive tendency to fatigue and sleep. Shaikh Abdul Rahim Agha spoke about his experiences with his stomach ulcer. Whenever he felt he must eat something outside the normal time, he knew his ulcer was starting again. All was not well. Abu Lutfi resumed his analysis.

'Oh, good people, believe you me, by the Almighty Allah who gathered us here and will re-gather us on his Day of Judgement, I tell you. All this talk about your shoulders, legs, feet, throats and what have you is irrelevant. Forget them all and keep your eyes on your penis. It is your most accurate barometer. Watch him. He is your good and free guide. He monitors and responds to anything going on inside you. Whenever I have something amiss, he shrinks and rejects any attempt to arouse him. I haven't finished my story yet. What I have learnt also was to look at his behaviour as an indicator of my condition and the progress of my illness. When I am not well, I cannot even find him to pass water. He is no longer in this world. He doesn't exist. But as soon as I see some life in him, swelling and raising his head, I know the treatment is working. My quack has done a good job. Believe you me, you can test your condition from the firmness and eagerness of your penis. Measure its length as it extends and you get a good idea of the extent of your recovery.'

'Like a thermometer.'

'Oh, Abu Abdullah, better than any thermometer, barometer or what have you.'

The truth is that not only Abu Lutfi made this useful discovery, but also his wife, Um Lutfi who, over the years of sharing the same bed, noticed the same scientific phenomenon. In her turn, whenever she was awakened by Abu Lutfi's hard instrument pressing and prodding her side, her thigh or her bottom she knew that her husband was O.K., brimming with good health. She would smile contentedly and say one or two words of thanks to the merciful and compassionate God for looking after the wellbeing of this family. But woe to her if she woke up and found nothing pressing on her side in that strategic part of her anatomy. She would then stretch her arm under the blanket and look for it because sometimes it could be concealed between her husband's legs or stretching between the big folds of his fat belly. Once found, strong, fully blown and extended to its full length, she would feel reassured and cite a verse of blessings from the Holy Koran: 'Remember thou God's bounties upon you if Him thou doth worship.' This said, she would leave his penis, that is, her husband's penis, in peace, turn to the other side and go back to sleep. If, for whatever reason, she happened to find it contracted and lying limp over his testicles like a stale and short runner bean or small mouldy piece of okra, she would be overwhelmed with anxiety and spend the rest of the night with her eyes wide open, waiting for the early hours of the morning, praying all the time for some holy saint or some descendant of the Prophet to intervene and restore her husband's willy to full erection and good health in mercy for this poor family in these unhappy days of shortages and UN sanctions and all these bastards of the Ba'th Party lurking on every street corner.

Sometimes, she could not bear it any longer and woke up her husband with a nudge into his stomach or a gentle pull of his penis. 'Darling, Abu Lutfi, apple of my eye, what is the matter with you? Something wrong? God forbid! Tell me darling, why is it so?' She would give it another pull. 'Why so limp and lifeless? Go and see the doctor.'

Abu Lutfi went on advising his friends and urging them to keep a good watch over their penises. 'Since I discovered this fact of life, I've lost sight of my capital. I don't care at all for what goes on in the rest of my body, leg, head, tonsils, whatever. These are all secondary items. As long as I wake at three or four in the morning with full erection, with my capital hard and strong, its head upright and ready for attack, I know I am all right. I am told that even some scientists in the United States started to check the health of their president by the duration of his penis's erection at night. This is a matter on which world peace depends. They brought him a Jewish consultant from Tel Aviv to monitor the state of his penis. Never mind the election, they said, watch over the erection.

The discussion went forward and backward, this way and that way, with plenty of reminiscences, references, citation of verses and proverbs, what Plato had said, al-Farrabi and Avicenna, what the old divinities and doctors had written about the sexual organs, coitus, erotic desires, descriptions of penises and vaginas, their categories and complexions. What is good and desirable in them, or detestable and unappetising. What men prefer and what women desire. Major General al-Dabshuli dwelt on the subject of length and size. Did it matter? Was it the length or width which made the difference. Shaikh Abdul Rahim touched on the subject of boys and how their anuses could be easily torn and damaged by oversized ones and unmindful fisting

All in all, school mistress Alia Aabdul Wahid's notion that this group of men were discussing her capital and her companion's capital was totally wrong. They were indeed discussing their own capitals. Thus they started their evening and thus they concluded their session. They rose to settle their account with the café owner, Said Abdul Azim, and bade each other good night.

'Have a good sleep. And you, Abu Lutfi, we wish you well. May the Almighty Allah bless your capital tonight with a good erection. He is the most powerful and all compassionate.'

The men dispersed to their own homes at Sabunchia, al-Toub or Bab al-Muadam as the case might have been . They just parted for the night like all Middle Eastern men, only to meet the following day at the same place to start all over again, drink their Turkish coffee or tea - sweet as syrup - and smoke their favourite hubble bubble. Mr. Wail Abu Lutfi appeared once more with the evening newspaper under his arm.

'Salam alykum, my friends.'

'And alykum al - Salam. Hope you are well today, Abu Lutfi. How did you feel last night? How was your capital? In good shape, I hope. Strong and alert like a python?'

'Just like a rod of iron, solid like steel, Abu Abdulla.'

'Praise be to Allah! There is no power except from Him.'



Dedication
The forgoing story is dedicated to my GP , Dr. Peter Tudor Miles and all the medical practitioners in the Wimbledon Village Surgery who always ask their patients, do they smoke , do they drink, do they sleep well, any pain? How often do they pass water? What colour is their shit? But they never ask them about their sexual life and how often do

Monday, 6 April 2009

ARAB HISTORY RECONSIDERED

ARAB VIOLENCE AND NONVIOLENCE


In these dark days of Western Islamophobia and international terrorism, in which many Arabs are implicated, the Arabs are considered as a people bent on violence, war and bloodshed. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing in Arab history which can be compared with what was going on in Europe up to the end of World War II. It is true that the Arabs are very emotional and volatile which makes them prone to explosive outbursts in words and deeds, but they soon give way. I find that their main problem is, in fact, their love for the joie de vivre, to enjoy life with the least effort.
One of the most common myths is that the Arabs are a nation of terrible warriers who swept through the old world from China to Europe within barely half a century. The truth, however, is that the Arabs had no military discipline or traditions comparable with those of the Spartan warriors, the Prussian Junkers, the Japanese Samurai or the Indian Karali. Despite all their concern for personal dignity, the Arabs have never treated flight or defeat as so dishonorable as to justify suicide. “Flight is two thirds of valor,” is a common Arabic saying. When Imam Ali prevailed on his opponent, Ibn al-As, and prepared to kill him, Ibn al-As turned his back to him and exposed his bottom, whereupon Ali had to draw back his sword in disgust.
Their great conquests, as described by General Glubb, were casual affairs made possible by the fact that there were no great powers at the time to oppose them. Long wars had exhausted the Persian and the Byzantine empires completely. The Spaniards were at each other throats. As soon as the Arabs had completed their conquests, they settled down to enjoy the luxuries of Damascus, Jerusalem and Andalusia. They threw away their swords and indulged themselves in a life of comfort, music and literature, leaving the defense of their land to the Persians, Turks, Berbers and Mamluks. They had never bothered to develop any military machine comparable with that of the Romans or the Greeks. The caliphs soon left each region to its own devices and took little notice if any one decided to split away, so much so that after barely some three centuries, their sway hardly extended beyond the boundaries of Baghdad, which was soon delivered to the Moguls without shedding a single drop of blood in its defense. ‘War is not for them’, General Moshe Dayan said after the 1967 War.
The faith they have developed, Islam, differed from most other religions in putting life before God. A Muslim is not only permitted but rather required to deny his faith if and when his life is under threat, an idea which became the foundation for the ‘taqiyya’ (avoidance) concept. Islam has had no martyrs comparable to the Jewish martyrs of Massada or the Christian martyrs of the Roman Coliseum.
A great deal has been written about the Arab and Muslim contributions to human heritage and the Renaissance, but the bulk of these contributions were within the fields of science, arts, philosophy and lifestyle, with hardly anything accountable in the area of war and warfare. Almost all military innovations, including the introduction of the horse, the stirrup, gunpowder, the tank and nuclear bombs, were made outside the Middle East. One look at the English dictionary can satisfy the reader that the bulk of words of Arabic origin fall within the fields of science and culture, like algebra, alchemy, alcohol, alkali, alizarine, or related to the style of sophisticated living like alcove, alpaca, damask, mascara, muslin, etc. I could never find any military term borrowed by the Europeans from Arabic origin. Western women learnt from the Arabs the use of perfumery, mascara, and cosmetics as well as the introduction of spices and saffron in cookery.
‘Jihad’ is one of the words which has been so widely misunderstood and misapplied. Linguistically, it only means struggle or striving, as may be inferred from so many verses in the Koran (e.g., verse 15 of Surat Luqman and verse 73 of Surat al-Tauba) The leading theologians divided Jihad into three categories:
1. The Jihad against the visible enemy.
2. The Jihad against the devil.
3. The Jihad against one’s own self and weakness.
The Sufis combined the last two forms into one which they called al-Jihad al-Akbar( major Jihad) which involved the struggle against evil, injustice, greed and lust. The fight against the visible enemy constituted al-Jihad al-Asghar (minor Jihad). Al-Bajuri based his opinion in this concept on the saying of the Prophet Muhammad upon his return from battle. He said: ’We return from the minor Jihad to the major Jihad.’ The Prophet underlined this idea on many occasions as when he said,’ The strong is not the one of combat but the one who overcomes himself in time of anger.’ It was noted that there are 124 verses in the Koran preaching forgiveness, patience and tolerance, something which is reaffirmed by many instances in the conduct and sayings of Muhammad himself. ‘Sabr’, (patience) is another concept advocated in some 103 verses recommending nonviolent dealing with enemies. ‘Seek thy succor in patience and prayer.’
There are various aspects and instances in the life of the Prophet which project a character in line with the philosophy of nonviolence, especially in his early mission in Mecca. The idolaters used to torment him and his followers in a variety of ways, like throwing offal and filth on them when they were making their prayers. In one instance, his companions drew their swords to avenge his honor, but he hastened to restrain them, saying,’ I am not instructed to fight.’ His migration to the City of Medina, which led to the formation of the first Islamic government and foundation of an Islamic state, dictated a change of approach. He had to act like any other government and rely on arms. This role, however, is often exaggerated by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. It is generally assumed that the spread of the new faith in Arabia was achieved by means of arms. Yet, careful examination shows that most of the tribes and regions, like Oman, Yemen and Bahrain, were won over by skilful diplomacy, propaganda, persuasion and good example. ‘Al-Amin’ (the Just) was the nickname given to him by the tribes who often entrusted him in settling their disputes.
Emigration, boycott and self exile from the land of oppression and from the hands of an unjust ruler is a recognized nonviolent means of resistance. One of the most important events in the history of Islam and the Middle East was Muhammad’s decision to emigrate from Mecca to Medina with his small band of followers. The idolaters realized how serious was this strategic move of ‘hijra’ (emigration) and pursued him, but he miraculously escaped. Muslims understood the significance of that act and immortalized it by establishing it as the beginning of the Islamic Hijra calendar. The hijra has two aspects in Islam. The first is spiritual in the sense of giving up the wrongdoing. The second is the physical emigration from the land of wrongdoing. Many political and religious movements in the history of Islam were given the name of hijra and muhajireen( emigrants) . I think that the mass emigration of intellectuals, scholars and professionals from Iraq and their subsequent political agitation abroad were one of the contributory factors in the destruction of Saddam Hussein’s regime. More recently it was reported, in January 2008, that many leading intellectual figures in Turkey , including the novelist and Nobel Prize winner Orham Tamuk and the eminent pianist Fadhil Say, had threatened to leave the country in protest against the Islamist policies of their government (The Government of the Justice and Development Party). This is a very significant and commendable development. It seems that the boot is now on the other foot. Instead of the government threatening to arrest or exile intellectuals for their politics, it is now the intellectuals who are threatening to leave and go into exile on account of government policies. A new advance in the nonviolent movement.
One of Muhammad’s memorable and controversial achievements was the Hudaibia Peace Treaty with his enemies, the idolaters of Mecca. The treaty was disliked and opposed by his companions who thought it had given too many concessions. But Muhammad preferred to enter Mecca peacefully and with the consent of its inhabitants rather than by the force of arms and conquest. His approach was a forerunner of Gandhi’s advice: Hold on to the basic objective and negotiate the details. The eventual peaceful entry resulted in the conversion of all its inhabitants to Islam. The Hudaibia gesture became one of the main cornerstones in the history of Islam, proving that the olive branch is mightier than the sword.
An important quality in Muhammad’s character relevant to nonviolence is his love of humor, the surest way for vitiating the spirit of violence, according to Freud, that may single him out as the only laughing prophet in monotheism, as far as we know. Again, there are many anecdotes in this respect as well as many sayings in which he urged his followers to seek innocent diversion in humor for their own good.
One of the main abominations which used to wreck the life of Arabia and is still the cause of so much bloodshed in the Middle East and Africa is tribalism. Muhammad’s great endeavor in this respect was to bring all the Arab clans together by embracing the brotherhood of Islam and in warning the Muslims against tribal bigotry. ‘He who adheres to tribalism (asabiyah), fights in the name of tribalism or dies in the cause of tribalism is not one of us.’ The fight against tribalism was extended to become a fight against all forms of conflict, so much so that ‘islah that al bayn’ (reconciliation) became a basic tenet of Islam competing in importance with the very worship of God. ‘Shall I advise you of something higher in degree than fasting, prayer, and charity? It is reconciliation.’ This hadith was given another form quoted by al-Tabari, ‘Shall I lead you to a charity beloved by God and his Messenger? It is to effect reconciliation between peoples when they hate each other and harbor evil towards each other.’ In reply to a man who asked him what was the best thing in Islam, he replied, ‘Give hospitality and say peace to those whom you know and those whom you don’t know.’ Likewise, the Koran has many verses emphasizing the virtue and wisdom of reconciliation, which are often repeated by Muslims in time of dispute, ‘Push with that which is better and you will find the one with whom you have hostility becoming like a close ally.’(Verse 34/ Surat Ha’ Mim).
Arabic literature and Muslim theology are full of anecdotes and pronouncements illustrating Muhammad’s aversion to violence, enmities and cruelty to animals. He even admonished one of his companions for cursing a flea. ‘Fleas are good’, he told him. ‘They wake you up to do your prayers’.
Was the aversion to violence and the tragic bloody events of early Islam a cause behind what is observed as Muslim submissiveness to tyranny? Muslim theologians differed on the subject. There were those who preached absolute obedience to avoid the ‘fitna’ (strife) and others, like Ja’far al-Sadiq, who said a Muslim owed no obedience to an unjust ruler. ‘He who obeys an unjust ruler disobeys his faith.’ Some Medieval Muslim theologians made tentative attempts to formulate opinion in regard to the distinction between violence and nonviolence. Both al-Ghazali and Ibn Taymiah argued that a Muslim owed no obedience to a ruler who violated the Shari’a, i.e. did not rule justly and in accordance with God’s commandments. But if it was found that there was no way to remove him without resort to the sword, then it would be better to leave him in office to avoid the ‘fitna’ .The opinion here is a clear espousal of nonviolence as the only means of resistance open to the Muslim community. Some Muslims, like the Sufis and Ishmaelis, rejected the use of violence altogether. The Druze in the Levant preached obedience and allegiance to any authority in office, which explains their ready acceptance of Israeli rule and recruitment into the Israeli army. The bulk of Muslims in India, led by the remarkable Abd al-Ghaffar Khan, rallied to the banner of Gandhi’s campaign of nonviolence and formulated their own Muslim theology on this subject. Muhammad Tayibullah updated Islamic theology to include the Hindus and Buddhists in the community of the ‘People of the Book’ and went on to adapt Gandhi’s satyagraha into the Muslim nonviolent movement of the Khodai Khidmatcar. When Gandhi declared the campaign of civil disobedience against the British, Indian Muslims found ample material in Muslim political thought, as mentioned above, to justify joining in the campaign under the Islamic slogan of ‘Tark Muwalat’ (Withdrawal of obedience).
More recently, the Iranians successfully applied the technique of nonviolence in opposing and eventually toppling the Shah. They did so by a series of crucial industrial and student strikes as well as by the mass demonstrations held repeatedly in Tehran with flowers and copies of the Holy Koran held in their hands and over their heads. Local cafes went on clandestinely playing Khomeini’s moving speeches and invocations to rise and resist. An American military adviser saw a woman demonstrator giving a flower to a soldier. He took it and put it in the barrel of his rifle. ‘This is the end of the Shah,’ the American officer murmured to himself. The Shah was disabled from taking any effective counteraction by the power of the clergy whose elaborate network penetrated the entire society. His difficulties were certainly more compounded by his opponents’ refusal to use violence against his regime for had they done so, they would have given him the legitimate and moral justification to use his mighty army and crush them with force. This was not the first or only nonviolent achievement of the Shi’i clergy in Iran. Early in the twentieth century, they led the struggle for the ‘Mashrutiah’ movement which succeeded in imposing constitutional and parliamentary rule on the Shah. The Islamic Revolution of Khomeini should serve as a good case study in Muslim nonviolent resistance and struggle against tyranny, corruption, foreign domination and imperialist exploitation without any need for the gun and the bomb.
The institution of the mosque played an important nonviolent part in the Islamic Revolution of Iran as in other parts of the Islamic World, like the part played by the Haram al-Sharif in Jerusalem, al-Azhar in Egypt, the Najaf and the Haydarkhana Mosque in Iraq. Governments find it very difficult to send in their troops, invade a holy place, interrupt prayers and arrest an imam during his sermon. With their emotions brought to a pitch, the worshippers leave en masse to demonstrate and defy the security forces with the shrill call of ‘ Allahu Akbar!’ (God is Greater). The seasonal martyrdom processions of the Shi’is have often turned into political demonstrations and clashes with the police.
During the first Palestinian intifadha (uprising), which was 80% nonviolent according to Gene Sharp’s estimate, the Palestinian activists sought refuge in the sanctuary of the mosques where they began to hold study groups after prayers. They would come out to demonstrate in the mosque square, stick their national flag on the minaret and turn the iwans into classrooms when the authorities closed their schools. According to a report by al-Sharq al-Awsat (15/10/1989) the number of mosques in Gaza increased during the Israeli occupation from 70 to 180. It is noteworthy that the Christian Arabs have often joined their Muslim brothers in the political activities connected with the mosques.
This joint national effort has a long history extending back to the early days of the twentieth century when the Christian Najib Nasser issued, in 1909, his magazine, al-Karmal, in which he agitated against the Zionist plan and emphasized the importance of raising the consciousness and educational standard of the Arab masses. As the Zionists started to smuggle Jews into the country, he organized teams of Arab scouts to keep a vigil on the coast of Palestine and apprehend the intruders. The problem of forging a national unity was tackled by the chain of the Muslim-Christian societies which existed in all major cities with their emblem of the cross embracing the crescent. The federation of these societies held seven conferences from 1919 to 1928 and shouldered the responsibilities of organizing demonstrations, delegations, strikes, boycotts and related nonviolent actions, but their main achievement was the building up of a national unity and laying the foundations for the national political parties. Najib Nasser’s call for more education became a political Palestinian slogan leading to the establishment of a chain of schools, institutes, colleges and research centers which have distinguished the Palestinians among all Arabs with their high rates of literacy, education, scholarship, professionalism and political awareness.
The joint Christian-Muslim action resulted also in the formation of local committees whose members were dispatched to the various towns and villages to implement the boycott of Jewish products, shops and businesses and to engage in that grey area of nonviolent action by the destruction of goods and equipment and setting fire to commercial premises without harming the human beings. This direct action forced the Ottoman Prime Minister to issue, in 1911, a declaration of a pledge to oppose the Zionist programme.
On 27 February 1920, al-Karmal reported a mass demonstration staged by the worshippers after the Friday prayers led by the Mufti (The Muslim senior imam) himself and members of the Muslim Society against the statements of the British High Commissioner. The demonstrators marched towards the Catholic Church where they were joined by the bishops of all the Christian denominations and a large Christian contingent numbering a few thousand people to
lodge a joint protest against the British Mandate policy. We have here so many lessons worthy of note for all these latter day Muslim extremists who view the world in terms of a Christian crusade against Islam. As far as the Palestine Question is concerned, it was actually the Christian Arabs who initiated the struggle against the Zionist project in the first place.
The nonviolent campaigns of Mahatma Gandhi in India coincided with the political struggle of the Arab peoples in Egypt, Iraq and Syria to achieve a similar objective, i.e. national independence. The Iraqis achieved their ambition through their armed struggle, but the Egyptians adhered to their own nonviolent resistance based on agitation and demonstrations. Gandhi’s methods attracted the attention and admiration of Arab leaders and political thinkers, despite all their conventional belief in the sword. In Iraq, the opposition parties, including the powerful Iraqi Communist Party which was supposed to believe in the revolution of the proletariat, stuck to nonviolent means within and outside the parliament. The usual methods adopted were mass demonstrations, industrial and student strikes, sit-ins, hunger strikes, petitions and propaganda. The campaign culminated in the ‘wathba’ (uprising) of l948. The British Labor Government of Attlee persuaded the Iraqi Government of Salih Jabr to replace the old Anglo-Iraqi treaty by a new friendship treaty which was signed by the British Foreign Secretary, Mr. Bevin, and the Iraqi Prime Minister in Portsmouth. The treaty allowed Britain to maintain military bases in Iraq. As soon as the news of its provisions were released, the Iraqi opposition dissociated themselves from it and called for its cancellation. The students declared a strike and marched into Rashid Street, Baghdad’s main artery, where they were soon joined by other sections of the population. The police were sent in to quell the peaceful uprising with fire. Scores of young people were killed or injured. But the demonstrators were not intimidated or drawn into foolish acts of rampage, stone throwing or other forms of counter-violence. They simply went on to renew the very orderly and well organized peaceful challenge day after day, sacrificing more and more martyrs in almost satyagraha style, until they broke the will of the Government. Salih Jabr was forced by the Prince Regent to submit his resignation and a new Government was formed by a religious cleric, Shaikh Muhammad al-Sadr, who cancelled the treaty forthwith. The Wathba was destined to become a memorable nonviolent resistance event in the history of modern Iraq immortalized in many famous pieces of poetry, including the oft-cited poem of al-Jawahiri. It was Salih Jabr who had to leave the country and spend the rest of his life in exile.
In Egypt, the movement for ‘istiqlal’( independence) was led by the Sorbonne graduate lawyer, Saad Zaghlul, in a completely nonviolent method. Soon after the Great War, he launched the campaign with a call for the boycott of all British, and then all European goods, including the national headgear of the fez. Britain wanted to outflank him by negotiating with Adli Yakuna a sham-independence. The authorities organized great celebrations to welcome him with flags, banners and triumphant arches. Zaghlul called on the people to ‘let the delegation pass like a funeral procession in an empty street.’ The cavalcade passed through deserted streets with closed shops, shuttered windows, no trams, no buses, no cars, no carriages. The following day Yakun submitted his resignation and inspired Mustafa Amin to write: ‘For the first time in history, silence became an eloquent expression and a revolutionary act far more effective than any street fighting.’ The British responded by exiling Saad Zaghlul and other nationalist leaders to Malta and banning any mention of his name. The Egyptians replied by launching the ‘Long live Saad’ campaign. They busied themselves by stamping all bank notes with that slogan. The authorities ordered the withdrawal of all such notes and replaced them with new ones. Rumors circulated that the fellaheen saw the leaves of their plants growing with ‘Long live Saad’ on the foliage. A doctor examining an expectant woman heard the fetus whimpering, with the will of Allah, ‘Long live Saad!’ The popular singer Munira al-Mahdiya sang, ‘O dates of Zghlul! O sweet dates of Zaghlul!’ The song instantly became a hit. The Reuter correspondent reported: ‘Anyone walking the streets of any Egyptian town will conclude that the whole nation - men, women and children have become street vendors selling a product called Zaghlul dates.’
Part of the nonviolent campaign was the development of a ‘noise bomb’, making a terrible noise without hurting anyone. A noise bomb was thrown at the stooge Prime Minister, Muhammad Said, who found the noise sufficient for him to tender his resignation and retire.
The similar slogan of ‘Bring back Yusif’, the Sultan of Morocco who was exiled to Madagascar for demanding independence, echoed throughout his country when the Moroccans declared a state of mourning during his exile. Houses were left unpainted. Frivolity, ostentation and drinking were punished and tobacco ( a French monopoly) was banned. Shops which sold cigarettes were burnt. Even fasting in Ramadan was broken, as Muslims don’t fast when in mourning. The regime of the quisling, Sultan Ben Arafa, was boycotted, so much so that even when he sacrificed a lamb in his gardens for the Id al-Adha, only very few individuals attended the traditional ceremony. Nothing was left for the French but to bring back the legitimate Sultan and grant independence to Morocco.
Another Muslim nonviolent resistance was recorded in Afghanistan during the communist occupation. As soon as the Soviet troops entered the capital in 1979, the country’s academics and intellectuals formed the Ittihad Milli Front( The People’s United Front) which undertook the task of publishing underground anti-communist material, including the Shapnama( The Night Message) news sheet. When a ceremony was held to salute the new flag, the Shapnama urged the students not to attend. Instead, they formed a mass anti-government demonstration which was attacked by the police, killing some sixty young people.
In Kuwait, a different kind of nonviolent method was adopted by the population against Saddam Hussein’s occupation of the country, based on non-cooperation. Saddam formulated his policy on the spurious claim that he was invited by pan-Arab Kuwaitis to rid them of the ruling family. He set up a kangaroo government with the hope of assuming some semblance of authority and credibility. The Kuwaitis replied by a complete boycott and went on to maintain a strict policy of non-cooperation with the new administration. Internally, they set up a successful network of cooperation, self help and exchange of information among themselves. It was almost a parallel government with its own medical care, education, welfare and jurisdiction. Young men undertook the burial of the dead, sweeping the streets and collecting the garbage. Reminiscent of Denmark’s treatment of the Nazis, the Kuwaitis applied the same ‘cold shoulder’ approach in their dealing with the occupation soldiers. This work was supplemented with an intensive and expensive propaganda campaign abroad. Skilful fiscal measures adopted speedily prevented Saddam from laying his hands on Kuwait’s enormous funds. Saddam had no option, in the end, but to go back to his characteristic style of terror and suppression without ever succeeding in his effort to break the will of the Kuwaitis into acquiescence to his rule.
The struggle of Palestine gave, in its initial stage, a magnificent chapter of nonviolence resistance, clearly influenced by the work of Gandhi in India. The Palestinian leaders were, in fact, very apprehensive and hesitant in adopting any nonviolent measure which might lead to violence, like the refusal to pay taxes. The initial work was based on boycott and non -cooperation with the British authorities. The Istiqlal Party formulated the guiding principles as firstly, the boycott of all government and Jewish functions, clubs and societies. Secondly, the boycott of all government committees and councils. Thirdly, the non-payment of taxes and fourthly, the boycott of all Jewish and British products and businesses. The resulting vacuums were tackled by such initiative as encouraging Palestinian industries and traditional crafts, setting up the Arab Agricultural Bank, the Arab Industrial Bank and the very successful Arab Bank. When the authorities arranged an election, in 1922, the imams preached in support of the boycott. The High Commissioner warned the imams that they were using the mosques for political purposes and asked them to balance their sermons by reading a government statement. They refused and went on to ban anyone participating in the election from entering their mosques, joining other Muslims in prayer or being buried in a Muslim cemetery. The result was that only 16% of the Arab population cast their votes.
The main concern was the loss of Arab lands to the Zionists. The Supreme Islamic Council issued, in 1935, a decree to all Palestinian institutions to deal with anyone selling or helping to sell lands to the Jews. ‘He shall not be buried in Muslim cemeteries or given a Muslim burial. He shall be boycotted, avoided, treated with contempt, abhorred and cut out.’ Various schemes were adopted to help farmers and land owners to hold on to their properties. The National Fund was set up to levy duties on the sale of products and cinema and travel tickets to build up a fund to buy the land offered for sale by any needy Arab. The new Arab banks were given the task of helping the cultivators with loans to hang on to their lands. The Palestinian Youth Congress organized teams to tour the villages and educate the farmers in the direction of protecting their lands.
In 1936, the Arab port dockers walked out in protest against a Jewish attack. It was followed by a mass rally in Nablus which called for a general strike throughout the country. The industrial action led to a massive rally with columns of men, women and children in their national costumes marching from village to village, some on horseback carrying their national flag, amidst the ululation of women and the singing of the boy scouts. The rally finally gathered to listen to a Koran recital and patriotic speeches, before taking a collective oath with thousands of hands raised up to heaven declaring that they would spare nothing in the service and defense of the country. A declaration was signed by 150 doctors, lawyers and academics adopting the ‘principles of non-cooperation and no taxation without representation as a peaceful means of resisting British imperialism in a noble and honorable way.’ The 15th of May was fixed as the beginning of the civil disobedience campaign. The day was marked by flags decorating houses and Arab buildings and with demonstrations carrying coffins bearing the words, ‘British Justice.’ Even burglars and criminals observed the occasion as no crime was ever reported on that day.
In view of the losses, bankruptcies and suffering sustained by shopkeepers and small businesses in this long general strike which lasted for many months, a special fund was set up to give them financial aid and to distribute food parcels, flour and bread. The country was divided into 15 supply zones with a committee supervising the aid in each zone. Other national committees were formed for medical care, finance and transport. Special courts and detention centres were set up to settle any disputes. All vehicle drivers surrendered their ignition keys and batteries to the strike committees and only used their vehicles with their special permits. The courts tried in public all offenders who broke the strike, paid taxes or conducted business with the Jews or the Government. The offenders usually apologized, paid a fine and pledged to observe the strike - to the cheering of the spectators present.
The mosques, churches and coffee houses were kept open 24 hours for educational purposes and special courses. The poets, singers, musicians and public speakers had a very busy time, touring all towns and villages. A by-product of the strike was the empowerment of women, hitherto confined to their domestic chores, as they came out to join their menfolk in shouldering the various strike tasks and organizing their own demonstrations, action committees and civil disobedience duties. A few of them were shot by the police in Jerusalem.
The authorities had to act, in the end, and order shopkeepers to open or face confiscation and fines. The shopkeepers burnt their merchandise or smuggled it to their homes, which were then raided by the police. The confiscated goods and house furniture (seized in lieu of the unpaid fines) were put up for auction, but no one made any bid and the authorities had to store the goods and pay storage charges. There were comic gestures as well as tragic incidents. As soon as the police raided a house, the children blew pepper powder in all the rooms!
The nonviolence campaign failed to achieve its difficult political aim of practically canceling the Balfour Declaration. But it produced many valuable products, as the formation of so many new Arab institutions, like banks, companies, schools, trade unions and political organizations. It empowered women and brought them into the national struggle and gave the Palestine question its international importance. The experiences gained became lessons for the first nonviolent intifada of the 1980s in which Mubarak Awadh’s Centre for Nonviolent Studies in Jerusalem played a useful part. The civilian jihad of the Palestinians is extensively discussed in the Palestinian Encyclopedia, Part II.
The Jews adhered to their traditional approach of refraining from violence, even when they were attacked by the
Arabs. But the Palestinian resort to arms following the 1936 strike inspired a British intelligence officer, Orde Wingate, to encourage the Zionists to take up arms and fight the Arabs. He undertook the task of training them and equipping them. Thus it was that the murderous and seemingly eternal Arab violence versus Jewish violence began. Jewish pacifists and idealists refused to be drawn into this tragic confrontation and went on to develop their own strategy and ideology based on establishing a bi-national state for Arabs and Jews together. They received no encouragement from any side.
The stupidity, indifference, short-sightedness and selfish pursuits followed by the big powers, local regimes and political organizations plunged the region into an inferno of violence and despair, leading eventually to the present day problem of international terrorism. Yet, this blind involvement in terror, with all its devastating consequences on the life, freedom, personal security and economy, is now bringing a new consciousness among the Muslim and Arab peoples that enough is enough. Many voices have been heard speaking against violence and calling for the adoption of
nonviolent resistance, democracy and legality as the best and safest means to reform, political change, human rights and liberation.


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كلب ابن حلال

الكلب السياسي
تستعمل الشرطة الكلاب في تقفي آثار المجرمين واكتشاف المخدرات، واخيرا في اكتشاف المتفجرات ايضا، هذا بالاضافة الى استعمالها في
حراسة الابنية. وسمعت بأن بعض المزارعين يستعملون الكلاب ايضا في حراسة شرف نسائهم، فعندما يخرج الرجل للعمل يطلق الكلب في البيت، فلا يجازف اي عاشق ولهان بالاقتراب. وكثير من النساء الاوروبيات يفضلن تربية الكلب على عشرة الرجال، مثلما تفضل كثير من نسائنا الاصغاء للتلفزيون على الاصغاء لازواجهن واولادهن. و ازواجهن اصبحوا يفضلون التفرج على كرة القدم بدلا من الاستماع لمن يسمونهم بالخبراء عى القنوات الفضائية. هذا كل شيء اعرفه، ولكنني اكتشفت ايضا ان بالامكان استعمال الكلاب في الكشف عن كذب السياسيين ومكرهم وسوء نيتهم.
لا بد ان القارئ لاحظ كيف ان الكلب ينبح ويهجم على احد المارة ولا يتعرض لمار آخر. انا مثلا لم ينبح عليّ او يهاجمني اي كلب في حياتي، والسبب هو ان الكلاب بغريزتها تدرك انني رجل مسالم واؤمن باللاعنف ومبادئ غاندي، فتتركني وتهز ذيلها لي. وبالمناسبة، هل سمعتم عن اي كلب هجم على غاندي؟ كلا، مات غاندي برصاص احد بني الانسان، واحد من الاصوليين المتدينين.
ما حملني على الاعتقاد بأن الكلاب تستطيع الكشف عن زيف الزعماء ورجال السياسة هو القصة التي سمعتها عن فنغال الذي احيل الى المحكمة في ارلندا لقيامه بعضّ احد الساسة المحافظين و العنصريين. دافعت صاحبته عنه بقولها: انه كلب مسالم تماما ولم يسبق له ان عض اي احد، ولا نستطيع ان نفهم لماذا هجم على هذا الرجل حالما بدأ بإلقاء كلمته.
كلا لم تفهم لماذا. ولكنني استطيع ان افهم، لقد عض هذا الرجل اثناء القاء كلمته عندما شعر بأنه كان يكذب ولا يضمر لارلندا و شعبها غير الشر ولا يتسلم الحكم حتى يضع ضريبة على مأكولات الكلاب ويأمر بربطها بسلاسل حديدية وتكميم بوزها بشبك معدني و حشرها مع معاقل اللاجئين العراقيين. شعر الكلب بكل ذلك فهجم عليه وعضه. ومن يلومه؟ لو كنت انا ايضا بين المستمعين لعضضته.
حملتني هذه الحادثة وما اعرفه عن سلوك الكلاب للاعتقاد بأن بالامكان استخدامها في كشف زيف الزعماء والقادة، وهو أمر مهم بالنسبة للعراق الآن، حيث تفاقمت الاكاذيب والادعاءات والاتهامات والوعود الواهية، بحيث لم يعد بالامكان التفرقة بين الصدق والكذب، و الحلال و الحرام. الحل الوحيد هو ان يستورد العراقيون هذا الكلب الالمعي فنغال ليساعدهم في المهمة. وطالما يتناقش القوم في هذه الايام بشأن تعديل الدستور ، فأعتقد ان من المناسب اضافة مادة خاصة باستشارة الكلاب و استعمالها في الكشف و التمييز بين الصادق و الكاذب منا. و اقترح في هذه المناسبة اولا التعاقد مع الكلب فنغال المتمرس في عض الساسة للقيام بهذه المهمة. الخوف الوحيد هو ان الكلب فنغال قد يتبع نفس الاسلوب الذي اتبعته الشركات الامريكية فيتعلم منها اساليب الفساد و يتعاقد من الباطنمع كلب عراقي بعشر الاجرة و تفسد العملية ، بل و تفسد ايضا الكلاب العراقية البريئة .

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حلال او حرام؟

الشرعي وغير الشرعي من نفقات الدولة



في الوقت الذي انعقدت فيه قمة العشرين في لندن لإنقاذ النظام الرأسمالي المنهار، تحولت انظار الجمهور من انباء هذا المؤتمرالى تطورات حدث آخر اكثر خطرا في رأيي مما كان يفعله هؤلاء الرؤساء و مئات الخبراء و الوزراء الذين صاحبوهم. اكتشف مدققو حسابات البرلمان البريطاني ان نفقات السيدة جاكي سمث، وزيرة الداخلية في حكومة المستر براون الراهنة، قد تضمنت تكاليف افلام جنسية خلاعية. لدى التحقيق تبين ان زوجها السيد رتشارد تملي ، قد اشترى هذه الافلام من مخازن الخلاعة و الجنس في لندن و بعث بالفاتورة الى محاسب البرلمان الذي قام بتسديدها من حسابات الوزيرة الفاضلة و النائبة في مجلس العموم.
بالطبع اثار الموضوع ضجة كبيرة بين كل المتزوجين و غير المتزوجين في بريطانيا. فمما زاد القضية تحرجا وحراجة ان الوزيرة المحترمة انشغلت في الاشهر الاخيرة بحملة كثيفة لمحاربة الرذيلة و الخلاعة و الاباحية و الفساد العائلي الذي يجتاح المجتمع الغربي. فطرح السوآل، هل شاركت هذه الوزيرة الفاضلة بالتفرج مع زوجها، او لوحدها، على هذه الافلام؟ إذا كانت قد فعلت، فهل يمكن اعتبار التفرج على هذه المواد من مستلزمات الحياة الديمقراطية في الغرب من حيث التخفيف عن توترات الحكم وتشنجات العمل البرلماني عندهم؟ هل يبرر ذلك تسديد نفقات شراء هذه الافلام من الخزانة العامة ، بما يعني انني كدافع ضريبة في هذا البلد، يقتضي علي ان اتحمل تكاليف تفرج المسؤولين على الخلاعات الجنسية؟ ربما تستطيع الوزيرة المحترمة ان تقول انها في حاجة الى الممارسات العاطفية الحلال مع حليلها و انه قد نشب فيه الكبر مخالب الشيخوخة و يحتاج لهذه الافلام لتقوية الباه و بعث الحياة فيما اماته الكبر.
اسرد كل ذلك و انا افكر بالضجة التي جرت مؤخرا في العراق على هامش نفقات السيدات و السادة الاعضاء في البرلمان العراقي الحالي و ما يمكن اعتباره شرعيا او غير شرعي من نفقات النيابة.
و لكنني في الوقت الذي انشغلت فيه الاوساط العامة في بريطانيا بهذه الاسئلة الحيوية ، اعاد الموضوع لذاكرتي ما كنت افعله شخصيا اثناء الدراسة كتلميذ بعثة في بريطانيا ادرس فن الرسم في كلية شلسي. كنت اشتري " العازل" ، او ما كنا نسميه في العراق بالفرش لذر، من الصيدليات و ابعث بوصولاته الى السيد الحلي ، الملحق الثقافي للسفارة العراقية في لندن، بعد ادراجها ضمن " المواد الصحية" التي يقتضي على الدولة تسديدها لتلامذة البعثة. و كان الملحق الفاضل يسددها بدون اي سوآل عن ماهية هذه "المواد الصحية". اقول ذلك الآن و انا ادرك و اتخوف من ان وزارة التربية العراقية قد تطالبني الآن ، بعد هذا الاعتراف الصريح، بإعادة تكاليف جميع باكيتات العازل التي اشتريتها على نفقات الدولة، و العالم الاسلامي يمر الآن بهذه المرحلة الاصولية و السلفية التي تحرم استعمال العازل و مواد منع الحمل. من يدري، ربما سيقاضونني قريبا في المحاكم و يقومون بحجز اموالي المنقولة و غير المنقولة ، تسديدا لتكاليف باكيتات العازل التي اشتريتها من الصيدليات البريطانية.
و لكن ستكون لي طبعا دفوعاتي القانونية الشرعية في الموضوع. فهذه المواد كانت مهمة بالنسبة لصيانة صحتي كتلميذ بعثة من الإصابة بأي من الامراض الزهرية كالسفلس و الأفرنجي و السيلان ، بما يؤدي الى تعكير حياتي الدراسية ، و ربما رسوبي في الامتحان بالإضافة الى تحميل الدولة نفقات معالجتي من هذه الامراض السارية الخبيثة، ولا دفع نفقات طفل نغل يكبر و ينمو ، ربما هو الآن مدير احد هذه البنوك الكبرى التي سببت إفلاس العالم. بفضل ما قمت به من مبادرة و حصافة و بعد نظر ، عدت للعراق و انا سالم من كل هذه الامراض التناسلية و لم انقل للمجتمع العراقي المسلم اي شيء من فايروزات و جراثيم الحياة الغربية ، وهو مما لا يستطيع ان يدعي به الكثير من العائدين من الدراسة في الغرب، كما اعرف جيدا.